I hate the holidays. More schmoozing, more going to the country club since Mom thinks it's low-class to make a turkey ourselves when the chefs there can do it, more pressure for Yale...it's just too much. It's not a phase, it's my decision on what to do with my life, and sorry if it's not the same vision I had when I was ten and wanted nothing more but to get into Yale. I've changed and no one seems to want to accept that. But what gives? Things are changing around us, like it or not. Laine will be in New York, Greer will be who knows where, and Meg will...well. We all can't be the same people forever.

Maria found the California college brochures in my room when she was trying to tidy it up for me (Sweet, but really, she'll never learn because I can never find anything after she tries to clean up) and got upset and told Mom, who apparently was never told of my intention to apply to Pomona and USC and UCLA since Dad never said anything. So now I'm being pressured to not only go to Yale because it's an Ivy, but also because Maria got upset that I was leaving and Mom's using her as an excuse to guilt trip me into staying on the East Coast. And it's not that I don't love being near my little sister while she grows up but I've spent almost all of my life taking care of them while Dad's been off working and Mom's been off schmoozing at the country club. When is it time for me to do something for ME, not just for the sake of my family's wellbeing?

I hate to ask why things happen, because sometimes that's just how the universe unfolds. I finally stopped asking why I was hurt so bad with Charlie, but it's different when it's a boy that broke your heart vs. your best friend who needs a new heart.

Why does it have to be Meg? Why isn't she more angry about this? What if no transplant comes? What happens then? How can I even think about going to college on the other coast when my best friend is in this state?

I wish I didn't feel so helpless. I wish there was something I could do to make her better.

I finally booked my tickets to L.A. Greer and Laine are coming with.

I don't know what I'm expecting to find at USC or UCLA or the Claremont schools, but it's one of those instincts that a person has when they feel like something is waiting for them somewhere. And I feel like I need to see what I can be outside of these things that have been expected of me for so long. I need to just allow things to be the way they are and stop fighting them and just hope that everything will go the way it's supposed to go. And that means Meg will get a new heart. She...just has to.

Just from what Greer said about the drama with SHS's coronation, it sounded like me and Anna were much better off soaking up the sun in Sea City. It was gorgeous - not to mention drama-free.

But I guess I had forgotten how much I love the beach and how being near the ocean never fails in relaxing me. It was just so nice to walk out of Ira's house right into the beach and honestly I forgot how much I love this place. Ever since I quit the BSC I hadn't been back but I got to enjoy it this time. Who knew what a luxury it would feel like to stroll along the boardwalk eating ice cream without having hyperactive kids to rush after?

So did I regret missing my junior prom? Maybe a little, but I had just as good of a time at the beach with my best friend. There's always next year for it, right?

Maybe I'll have a non-platonic date for senior formal by next year?

It was almost a year ago that I discovered that Charlie was cheating. Almost a year ago that I was wondering if I loved him or not. And when I saw him the other day - I felt nothing.

This was a guy I wasted months crying over and any feelings I had towards him - lust, love, hate, disgust - they had all disappeared into apathy. He didn't acknowledge anything, and I didn't feel the need to. It was like that part of my life was over.

But now I realize how futile and pointless it was to waste so much time because a year later, there are way more important things to think about. Meg's heart is failing and who knows when UNOS will give her a new one. Laine is considering dating Kevin because he's charming her just like he does with any girl he wants. I still can't figure out what I want in a college and junior year is almost over.

I guess this is what happens as you go on through life - the things that seemed so important in the past become replaced with the real important things in life.

Well, I'm in Florida - again. This joint SDS/SHS trip to Disneyworld was the last thing on my spring break agenda, but Laine dragged me along and since Greer is here - why not? Meg has Alexander and I wouldn't have wanted to be a third wheel - so Florida it is. Even though Greer is with Trevor - and Laine is something with Kevin - it's nice to get away.

Plus I get to be away from Mother and Father for a week, and that is always a plus - I can hardly think about college with them around to pressure me into staying somewhat local and Ivy. Since I've been tepid to the idea of Harvard, Cornell, Yale, and Brown, they're desperately trying to push Princeton and Dartmouth on me. Which is fine - I'm sure they're great schools but maybe I want to go somewhere outside of the Northeastern part of the United States. Is that too much to ask?

Ever since Charlie, I've begun to doubt everything that I built my life on - and realized how little everything I've done means in the real world. I am tired of just being Shannon the Overachiever because it sure as hell didn't help me when I put my heart on my sleeve and learned what it was like to lose someone you love. I think I just crave change - but is that running away from it all or me genuinely wanting to become someone other than who I've been for the last seventeen years?

Mom and Dad decided to spring on me Friday night that they were headed to Boston for Valentine's Day - but with the exception that I join them on Sunday in order to use my day off on Monday to visit Harvard. And because when Dad takes time off from work, it's a big deal, so it was expected that I go - and endured this excruciating lecture when I got there about how it's in the Kilbourne tradition that I attend an Ivy school. Now I guess it doesn't matter if it's Cornell, Brown, or Yale - how generous of them to give me all of the Ivies to choose from!

I mean, Harvard was okay. Despite the fact that it was President's Day, there were still people on campus who were willing to give us a tour, and - I dunno. I might be a Kilbourne and it might be tradition that all of us go to the Ivies, but I don't know if that's what I want.

It's weird. There's never been a question of what I was to do in my life. Be a good daughter and sister, check. Be at the top of my class, check. Be really active in school and my community, check. But lately, I'm thinking there's got to be MORE than this. That I'm more than just the girl who gets perfect grades and comes from a wealthy family. And I'm not sure I want to be in a place where they expect the same thing.

I guess I'll do a little more research. For all I know, the other schools could suck. But honestly, you could stick me in Wisconsin and I'd be happy because at least no one would know who I was there.

I saw the girl in orange lingerie in the flesh. With Charlie in hand. And neither of them seemed to be sorry for what they did to me. What is wrong with people? Do they have any sense of morality?

But for some reason, I know things are going to be okay this time. Seeing him doesn't make my heart hurt nearly as much as it did before. Strangely enough, seeing him again after all this time was a cathartic experience. After seeing Ross, and knowing that nice guys in the world do exist, I'm not so worried anymore. There's no reason to hold onto memories of guys like Charlies when there are Ross's out there for me to find.

But I think I'm done with relationships for a while. I'll let Meg and Greer do that for now. I need to figure out who I am, and where I'm going after I graduate from SDS. For the first time in my life, I feel a bit uncertain about what my next step should be.

Me and Ross broke up. I'm sad, but not in the same way I was with Charlie. It's more knowing that we won't really ever be as close anymore, even if we promised each other to stay friends.

Except I still don't know what to do. I talked to Anna, about how all these relationships always seem to fail, no matter how I try to make them work, and she gave me the same gist of what I told Meg when she was talking about Alexander: Be yourself. Does that even work for me? Maybe it's just meant for the really lucky people, like Mary Anne and Logan, and Anna and Rose Marie?

Maybe, or maybe not. While I'm a little bummed that now I lack a date to Rachel and Ira's wedding, I'm more relieved that I'll have all this time to myself to study for the SATs and research colleges. I need to start focusing on the things that *I* can do for myself, instead of just waiting for some far off notion of true love to come rescue me.

Pete kissed another girl. Him and Laine are over.

Maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Maybe guys are all pigs and liars and cheaters. And we're all susceptible to them. Even Laine, whose got a fantastic bullshit radar. Pete seemed like such a great guy, and even he managed to fuck it up by doing time with some whore. Just like Charlie did to me with that bitch in tacky lingerie.

Oh shit. Does that mean Ross is going to cheat on me too???

Things with Ross are going so well. His parents seem really enthusiastic at having me at church for the last few weeks, and he seems really happy that I'm becoming a part of that aspect of his life. It makes me feel like a better person when I go to church. God doesn't judge me for all the sinful things I've done in the past and I get peace from knowing that.

And I can honestly say I'm a bit relieved that he has no intention of having sex with me. It's a nice change to be with someone who is more concerned about you instead of getting down your pants. I'm okay with just kissing him.

Now if he can survive getting grilled by my parents tonight, I think I will consider the night a success.

Maybe going to a party and going to third base with some random guy wasn't the greatest idea in the world. Since now Brian keeps shooting me winks across the room in Psych. I totally thought he was lying. On the other hand, at least Greer got me home safely and probably rescued me from losing my virginity on a random bed.

Either way, assholes seem to come my way. What other type of male hangs out at parties like those hitting on random high school girls?

And stupid me for thinking this would make me feel better. In fact, it's worse. All throughout the kissing, all I could think of was him. How Charlie's kisses were always gentle and sweet, not sloppy and forced like Brian's were.

What's it going to take for me to stop dwelling over this?

Because of insomnia, I've learned to become quite adept at Sudoku. I baked a batch of chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter buttercream for the bake sale at the Country Club. Tiffany knows something's up but she won't press me. How do I tell her that I'm still in love with a 20 year old guy who cheated on me? And while Meg and Greer and Laine and Bart and Mary Anne believe me, Kristy doesn't. She has no idea who her brother really is, and that scares me so badly that she doesn't understand what he's capable of.

I need to stop this. I said that I would get out of my funk and do something about it, yet I barely have the energy to roll out of bed to go to work. I'm just so relieved school will start. I'll just throw myself into Student Council and French Club and Astronomy Club and the fall musical and classes at SU (I'm taking Psychology 101, Economics 200, and French 201) and everything will be just fine.

I'm exhausted. I thought that talking about Charlie to Mary Anne would help me but somehow it's now that my days just seem to sort of blend together. I tutor for the Miller School three times a week now, and then twice a week I go into Dad's office and do filing and receptionist type stuff. Though it's really a joke that I have any job at all. I get paid more for allowance than what the company pays me there.

But even as busy as I am, the nights are what seem really lonely, especially when I can't sleep. I've been drinking a lot of Starbucks and avoiding my friends. I think Meg is really worried but how can I tell her that I'm still hearing his voice in my head, begging for me to come back? I can't tell Greer either. She would just try to get me drunk to make me forget about my problems when it'd probably make them worse. I don't know what to do anymore.

Maybe I need to just clear my head and just go confront him. Tell him exactly how he made me feel and how I'm not going to lose sleep over some college aged jackass anymore.

Yes. That's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm fucking tired of feeling like this.

I keep hearing his voice over and over in my head, telling me how much he loves me.

He admitted he was wrong. Is that enough to erase everything that happened? Enough to erase the vile taste in my mouth I get whenever I envision him tangled up in that...whore in cheap lingerie?

I wish I knew how to differentiate and figure out when there's reason to forgive...and when there's the limit crossed in order to justify turning your back on someone whose in love with you.

This can't be happening. Charlie loves me. He said he wanted to meet my parents and introduce me as his girlfriend to Elizabeth and Watson.

It was all a lie wasn't it. It seems so far away, like a bad dream but I've been walking around in a daze that even people are starting to wonder what's the matter with me.

I shouldn't have been so focused on my future, I shouldn't have been so angry that all he wanted to do was be with me and love me and now I've lost him.

I need to prove to him that I can be the best girlfriend ever.

I can even forgive him for his indiscretions. It's my fault anyway for saying I wanted to have sex but chickening out at the last minute always.

They say you always have to forgive people for their mistakes, right? I'm typically a person who holds grudges but maybe it's time to start.

In the face of love, anything is possible, right?

I don't know what to do anymore.

I think I love Charlie. He told me the other day after a huge argument we had over his neediness and my lack thereof that he loved me. I think I love him too. But then there's the whole question of what do I really want in this life. He's a great guy and I love being around him...but his mood swings, his neediness, his desire to use me as a garbage bin for dumping all his issues with life...just gets old. Really fast.

I know I want to be a success. And right now, I'm struggling in school. I even skipped a few periods the other day just because I didn't feel like going. Everything seems pointless now. I feel myself slipping away faster and faster as I fall for Charlie more and more.

Is it possible to love someone yet absolutely despise what they do for the rest of your life outside of the relationship?

Somehow when I was a kid I was convinced that sex and relationships in high school would ruin perfect grades that would get me into Yale. So far I'm not ruined yet. I'm doing pulling A-'s right now in Calc, Bio, and World History, getting a solid 3.7 in English Comp.

Except for French, which has been by far my favorite subject for years. Midterms came around and I got a 2.8 on my exam.

This is NOT. ME. But who is? Am I allowed to be Shannon the Overachiever and Shannon the Girlfriend of Sexy Charlie at the same time? Or is it futile?

It's so hard to see him on the weekends with activities that Mom drags me to at the club that the only time I get to see him is after school, where I can say I'm studying at Meg's when I'm really spending time with Charlie (And subsequently not studying). And it's hard to balance it all. He's sometimes so needy to the point where I want to scream at him to get his own life. He insists I shouldn't have to be studying since "I'm a genius already."

Sometimes I think I could just make him shut up about not having me around at his every beckoned call if I just would have sex with him.

But no. I like him a lot. I should want to have to spend time with him. I can probably manage school as long as I figure out how to balance it all. Right?